I'm all about comedy...I'm funny that way. I tried stand up back in 1979 in Clifton, a suburb of Cincinnati Ohio across from the university. To this day I know so much about comedy it isn't funny! Back then we had to learn everything the hard way. There was no Viagra. There were no books. The generations before us never left notes on how it was done. So we tried and err'd until we figured it all out. And a funny thing happened. As a wholw we became the next generation...well at least some of my more determined friends. You have to call them friends-theyre the only ones to understand...to have been there . Kind of like a war. You had to be there. Ive seen brilliance develop. We've seen the advent of Saturday Night Live and Fridays, Mad Tv, The Wayan Brothers, and the likes of some pretty big comic stars. Robin ,John Ritter, John Belushi and his brother, Gilda and all the casts of all those shows.

The stand up writer

My name is Max Kappy and I am a stand up comic... I'm serious!
I know I'm funny-last week at the mall I overheard a mother tell her son as she pointed to me-see that man, there's something funny about that man...
For over 30 years I have hung around the outskirts of the comedy community and yes, I know how you all feel. It is great to laugh. Funny things happen to us all the time if we just now how to look at them things. It is life and it is funny. It is everywhere, politics, religion, economics, culture-it is life!.
 Someone told me once, I have always heard laughter is the best medicine...I replied; no it's  not, Morphine is.
But short of that, funny is a pretty great drug.
I know so much about comedy it's not funny!
I started my interest in performance around 1979 at a small club in Cincinnati called DWI- owned by a very sharp and intuitive owner, Don. He gave us the space to work out our stuff. And then the unbelievable happened in rather short order...comedy clubs began springing up all over the United States. This was around 1980-81 and lasted for some ten or twelve years.
They say life is short. I say-not if you're an insomniac.
And now it is 2013 , the end of 2013 and there seems to be a renewed interest in this genre. So?
Where do we go from here? You're probably asking yourself, where does your education come from,Max?
I lived in Miami. I attended Florida University so when asked I tell them F-U.
This is like sex so if you're real quiet and  remain perfectly still I can finish this in just a few minutes.
Peace .
Funny is everywhere. A few afternoons ago I went out to lunch with my friend and I ordered coffee. They gave me a number and I went to sit down. They called out-175-and my lady friend asked; what number did they give you...;I said; 278...she said oh sh*t, they  are on 175.   I told her the numbers aren't in numerical order. we got our coffee next call. There was the funny. She actually thought for a sec that there were 103 people in front of us.
Different restaurant same result.
I'm in line and the lady in front of me turns around and, I guess admiring my salt and pepper hair , mostly salt, said; You know, gray is the new blonde...I said thanks, what do you think, I'm stupid?
And by the way, that is no insult to blondes ...some of my favorite shiksas are blondes and they're smart enough to date me. Try to remember , I'm a comic. I'm not out to hurt anyone's feelings unless they're a corporation or a politician. I don't have a wide stance.
So- I guess you're reading this and hope that I will get to the jokes soon. yeah. me too. how about now?
Everything I needed to know I learned in kindergarten...Reading, writing, arithmatic, arson, grand theft auto...
I am a writer- recently a girl asked; have I read anything you've written? I said, depends...do you have a Facebook account?
She asked me if I had protection...I said, yeah, I got a .38...are you expecting trouble?
You could say I'm an overnight success. I really didn't think I'd make it to this morning.
I've learned to be more sensitive-gotten in touch with my feminine side-turns out, I'm a bitch.
I've written a new book-Tuesday's with Morrie's wife.
okay, sorry. I'm tired and wish to sign off.  I do hope you will come back and read some more some other day. Maybe I'll write more later tonight. i still have that insomnia, you could say I'm living the dream! good night.

Stimulus and a cigarette after.

Stimulus

I come to bring you joy. As it happens, I am joys pimp.

Everybody seems overly concerned about this stimulus package. I can't
figure out why we're worried.At 1100 pages it would seem they have
covered every conceivable angle. I even heard that there was a couple of
million set aside to cover the needs of butterflies which few documents
seem to cover these days. Furthermore some government agency has to give
us something for all the money we seem to give them sometimes each and
every payday. What the hell they doing with all THAT money, spending it
on stuff? How much could it cost to run this government? I figure they
must know how to invest in that every election two to 6 people spend
millions of dollars to get a job worth 300,000 a year .We need to be
stimulated, that's why every summer we ride roller coasters. If you give
us money I promise we will spend it. Do not give it to the banks and
car makers. They had it and couldn't keep it.They kept offering rebates,
we'd give them money, they'd give it back. Giving them money is like
allowing the inmates the run of the asylum.It is the fox guarding the
chicken coop. Trust that within those 1100 pages is our salvation. I know
that an extra $16 dollars a week is going to change my tax bracket but I
will adjust . I'm not like the others, i appreciate money when it is
given to me. I've tried that work and earn ethic and I've got to tell you
it leaves me a little empty and disillusioned. I like illusion that is
why we all go to magic shows. If i could pull a quarter out of my own ear
I wouldn't need uncle Sam. And now that Uncle Sam can pull a trillion
dollars out of our ass ...well, that is an impressive trick.


MylesKapson - Eli Mellach (pen)02-14-2009

a Universal Language "Unibabbleon"

A Universal Language
It has come to my attention that the world is over populated with too many languages. Why, in India alone there are over 100 dialects. In Spain the North doesn’t even understand the southern Spaniard dialect and come to think of it- it is the same reoccurring problem in the USA. The United States and their welcome all policy of huddled masses yearning to speak Engli has garnered an amalgam of different tongues. Press 1 if you understand this, press 2 if you don’t. It is no wonder we fight wars, we simply do not understand each other.
Therefore, be it now known, that there is going to be a new language and though my people have not yet worked out it’s alphabet we have created the definitions that we find will continually be used and most indicative to and of interpretation. This will save a lot of time. Here are the words in sentence form in no particular order.
I am pretty . You are pretty ugly.
Keep your hands up where I can see them. License and registration? AARP?
Bend over it is tax time.
This won’t hurt a bit.
Sure, I will call you.
The check is in the mail.
Here, strap this on.
Mother. Your Mama. Mommie?
The jews did not kill J.R.
Who’s your daddy?
Extenz is the only decent extended warranty.
Now, creating a language that everyone can understand is going to take some effort and I have to point out that America didn’t do well when they tried to convert us to the universal measuring system, metric. Come to think of it I too am getting tired of people trying to convert me.
But a language that everyone, everywhere understands would truly bring us together and solve a myriad of problems. Here are 7 words that if learned , you will never have to worry about unemployment again:
Would you like French fries with that?
How about learning 5 words that all poor ass foreigners learn soon enough:Will the defendant please rise?
Perhaps you come from a country that does not value exercise. You will want to learn this: You are not big boned, there are no fat skeletons.
I do so hope we can implement my idea. Language helps express ideas such as:
Do your cousins marry your cousins?
He who haseth the gold maketh the rules.
I am Woman hear me roar.
Badges? we don't need no stinkin badges!
Can I return this? Are you brain damaged? And my favorite business statement, elegant and simple:
Friends and kin don’t feel it going in.
English is not what it used to be . And Chinese one would have to memorize over 2,000 lines that represent their alphabet . Latin sufficed in its day but when was the last time someone asked you to Carpe Diem. How can we expected to all learn English when its rules have rules which can be broken, as shown: i before e except after c or when sounding like a as in neighbor or sleigh. Respectfully submitted by Jennifer Jason Leigh. Dinner at eight. e-i-e-i-o.
A new language is good for America (and tomorrow , the world.) [end]

Change for a better outcome (change our thinking)

If you're looking for humor, not today, not this article. This had to be written.

Change by, Eli Mellach 02/06/09

Not everything I report on is fun. Today it was reported that a 93 yr. old Michigan man froze to death because the power company limited his electric usage after he ran up about $1000 on his billing. This same man was a WW2 vet and left behind $600,000 to a Bay area hospital already having bequeathed it. So that brings me to the rest of this daily log. Where the hell are we that the billing is more important than the customer, the human. We are so out of line with greed and debt and what everyone feels is owed to them . We like to tell ourselves that this is corporate or government greed but that is placating and masking one fact: corporations and such are made up of people, individuals that go along with this because the buck never stops anywhere...and it should. We are lost. We do not have to be. We honor and reward our athletes and actors paying sums that educated people can only read about. Where is the incentive to work and succeed through personal merit? Why would the average well educated person even try. Invent something? Someone is going to want thousands of dollars to implement the idea;it costs about $8000. to just start the patent pending process which ironically lasts longer than the friggen patent, once received. There is no, absolutely no incentive to create or invent anything anymore with out an angle. That is why every entity big or small is looking for a way to get theirs and thus scam you and me.We seem so confused that when some thing good happens, an invention, a development, an improvement, a new thought, we can't even benefit and move forward. Let me give you an example:During 1998 while on vacation in California , I came across a brochure touting the invention of a welder that would run on an 12 ounce glass of water a day (this through electrolysis). The electrolysis would take the H2O and break it into its chemical elements of Hydrogen (2 parts) and oxygen (a cleaner burn off). This welder could weld or cut the strongestmost dense metals . Enter the government who upon finding this marvelous device decides to put a federal cease and desist order on it for ten years. Their obtuse thinking was that it would put too many gas and electric people out of business. Rather than train them in the simple process of electrolysis which, by the way, is taught in freshman science class or was that 6th grade, the government decided to- in essence, put them out of business or at least on hold and freeze.Nobody benefits from this.OK, I'm off my soap box because i want you , the reader, to get this. We have to learn to learn. We have to start working together if we want to see the development of wonderous new devices. If we want to solve the problems facing the nation and society as a whole. Or all that will be left...is a hole!Let us stop looking toward celebrities for answers.They are fictional. They are the sizzle not the steak. I think you'd do better to look toward the many garage mechanics, entrepreneurs and closet inventors (sorry i was running out of pseudonyms. I know there are hundreds of auto enthusiasts that have come up with their own electric cars. There are hundreds of regular folk that can make their own petrol and diesel. Corporations should be looking and listening to these people. Our nation could be great if we quit tripping over dollars. Trying to make every deal the big deal, every sale doesn't have to be a home run. That means you don't have faith. Bring back customer service and give up on extended warranties. Most people expect the item to work for more than a year or three.We look for our government to save us but perhaps we should be looking to ourselves. Ask not what your country can do for you... Ask your country to ask you, what do you know? One final thing, we have to work together again. We are a society too full of secrets. It seems like pulling teeth to even get one entity to work with another. Who cares whose jurisdiction,what department... catch the bad guys and everyone share the credit.That is the reward.If you want things to be different you have to do things differently. If what you do is what you always did then what you'll get is what you've always gotten. Change has to come.

a Couple o Poems

SEX by, Myles Alan Kapson 1991
Some like it hot, some like it cold.Some like it gentle, others wish for bold...I just like it...From what i can remember.Some enjoy foreplay, others do not;i'd just like to be getting it,lately, I'm not.she doesn't have to be the pick of the litter, Just give me one Lord, I'd just like to get her![end]



GIRLS 1990- by, Myles Kapson
(Based on the story of Goldilocks and the 3 Bears) Once upon a time we found out about girls, and unlike the aforementioned bears, girls had curves and curls. Some were too tall and others too short, some were too thin, while others too port... Some were too young whilst others too old, Some were tooo hot, while others tooo cold... But once in a while when the moon aligned and with luck, You'd find one that was just right and she'd turn into a grizzly bear, rip your heart out and eat you! Doesn't that suck?[end]

Epithets

Epithets
People from Brussels are not brussel sprouts,and people from Germany are not sour Krauts,Irish people do not all drink,and Jewish people don't all have money, I think,Black people aren't all good at music and sports,and Indians don't all live in teepees near forts.and Asians come in all sizes and sorts...and Arabic people don't all ride camels from ports.Italian people are not all in the mob,just like people from Kansas don't all eat corn on the cob.Orientals are not all into electronicsand the illiterates who think so aren't allhooked on phonics...Our nation, our world, from what I can see,may look somewhat different but they're just you and me...What people all want is to be understoodthat what they each have to offer is---Truth, Strength, and their good.Still.Good.Will. by, Myles Alan Kapson 9/4/2000